Embracing your Question Mark

I just applied for graduation.

I woke up this morning to a notification I had set on my phone over a year ago that simply said, “Apply for your degree.” I sat down with my cup of coffee and laptop at my desk, feeling ready to tackle this momentous task. I opened the link, confirmed my major/minor, the spelling of my name and where to send the diploma. That’s literally it. I’ve filled out Buzzfeed quizzes that took more time and effort than this did. But this survey determines my future-- not that “Tell us what you ate for breakfast and we’ll tell you where you’ll be in 10 years” isn’t a fun escape when you’re tired of being an adult. This document was confirming that I’ve hit the minimum credit requirements, passed all my classes, and managed to not get kicked out so that I will indeed get that diploma. And all I needed to do was to fill out some personal information?

After hitting submit I started thinking about what has got me to this point. I thought about all the classes I’ve taken, all the nights I spent thinking that being a stripper has got to be easier than learning organic chemistry mechanisms, or that my Smother would totally let me live in her basement until I die if I wanted. I thought about all the work it’s taken for me to get here and you know what I felt? Desolate. Not accomplished, definitely not excited, but also not necessarily scared or sad.

I thought about how if I had to take finals for any of my previous classes right now I would probably do horribly. If I had to actually apply any of the information I learned into the real world, I’m not sure how I’d add up to my peers. But according to my institution I am worthy of having a Bachelor’s of Science in eight months.

I then started thinking about life after graduation and I realized that I have absolutely no idea where I will be. Yes, I have a general plan but nothing is solidified. I can’t tell you what my zip code will be or where I will be working. I can’t even tell you when I will be applying to graduate school. I’ve always had a plan, it’s what I’m good at. I felt an instant wave of panic and existentialism rush through me as I realized that my future is one giant question mark.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to speak in front of a very influential board of directors. People who are objectively successful by anyone’s definition. They are people who have made their mark in not only their professional careers but in their personal networks. People whose names are on buildings, who go to galas and the theatre (yes, the theatre version because that’s classier than the theater version). I stood up and spoke to them trying to exude knowledge and competence. Afterwards, I spoke directly with one of the board members who complimented me on my speaking abilities. We started discussing what I wanted from life and I vaguely remember giving her a professional and eloquent answer. As the conversation continued she told me that I most definitely have a potential future doing what she does. I smiled and thanked her for the compliment but I really wanted to say, “I literally haven’t done dishes in two weeks and sometimes I will just buy new underwear because I’m too lazy to do laundry. Why the hell do you think I have any potential whatsoever?” I left the conversation feeling like an imposter, like I just tricked that entire group of people into thinking I am even remotely important.

In times like this, I like to put on my therapist hat and pretend I’m giving advice to someone else. It’s always helpful to do that because when you give advice to other people you are more likely to leave your fears and insecurities out of it. It isn’t your life, it’s theirs. So I am going to give you guys advice, which we now all know is mostly for me but feel free to pretend it’s not because that’s what I’ll be doing.

Most of my friends are in this same boat. They’re waiting to be interviewed by schools all across the country that determine their fate for the next 2-4 years. They are asking themselves if their college relationship can sustain real world problems or they’re trying to figure out how they will be able to continue that party lifestyle when they will be returning to their parent’s house instead of a bachelor pad at the end of the night.

So, fellow millennials, here is how to embrace your question mark:

The more cool people I meet, the more I realize how much in common I have with them. They too often feel like frauds or imposters. Yes, the people with more money and power than I will ever see have the same insecurities as I do.

So how did they become so successful? According to them, they showed up. They had intention. They knew what they wanted and went for it. It wasn’t that they were necessarily more prepared or skilled than their peers, it was that they had grit. They wouldn’t let setbacks deter from their end goal. They took advantage of times in their life when they didn’t know where they would be in a few months. They pushed themselves out of their comfort zone and “embraced the question mark.”

One woman told me that once your question mark becomes a period, that’s it. It’s not about having a question mark, it’s about what you chose to do with it. You can have it loom over you like a deadline, following you around until it’s ratified or you can simply acknowledge that it’s there and be mindful that this may be the only time in your life where you have the luxury of getting a question mark.

So my advice to you, and ultimately to myself, is to let it drive you, but not control you. Use the time waiting for the interviews to explore the cities where you may be spending your time in grad school because you won’t have time to do it once you’re a student. Don’t feel like you need to decide if you want to marry and have kids with the one you’re with tomorrow. If they are truly ‘your person,’ they will push you to be the best version of yourself and you two will figure it out. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be, but don’t let it prematurely ruin the great thing you two have right now. If your plan is to move back into your parents’ house, know that if you survived 18 years with them, another few can’t hurt. They know what it’s like to be young, but maybe think about ways to cheaply sound proof your walls. I'm sure both parties will be thankful.

No matter how you’re currently feeling, try to accept that the question mark will be there for a while. Remind yourself how lucky you are to have the privilege of even getting a question mark in the first place. There must be a reason our parents always bring up “the college days”; don’t let them pass you by while trying to get your name on a wall. You can have it all.

Until my next existential crisis....

XOXO,

Tanya B

#graduation #adult #plans #questionmark