New Year, New Me

Tomorrow marks the start of the Jewish new year, also known as Rosh Hashanah. On this day, Jews across the world partake in traditions that have been done for thousands of years to ring in the new year. While this is one of the most important days in the Jewish calendar year, even possessing the coveted title of a 'High Holiday,' this day is especially meaningful to me.

One year ago today, going off of the Jewish calendar, I embarked on my journey of becoming Jewish. I often get asked the question of my background and how I became so involved in Jewish life when I came to college. Before I dive into my backstory, I want to give credit to a friend of mine who inspired me to write this. A former Vice President of Hillel, which is the position I currently hold, wrote a post about how he too found his faith by coming to college. You can read his story here-- http://www.juf.org/news/campus.aspx?id=434618. Much like Adam, I did not grow up Jewish, and because of that, I have a very different view on the religion than my peers.

This story starts with me sitting at my grandmother's kitchen table sipping decaf coffee and eating Matzo Ball soup. My first memory of her was when I was around four years old and she had just bought me a dreidel for Chanukkah. She told me the story of how her and her mother had to escape Nazi Germany when she was just a little girl. She tried to explain to me that a very bad man wanted to see her and my great-grandmother dead because they were Jewish. I used the word 'tried' because can anyone really grasp why Hitler wanted to kill millions of people just because of who they were?

There wasn't a specific moment when I realized that I was Jewish. For as long as I remember my grandma would tell me the story of how she was a lucky one. She was able to escape, but the rest of my family didn't. I heard about the concentration camps and how all of my family was killed in the gas chambers. My grandmother never explained Judaism as a religion, she explained it as an identity. Like how I would describe myself as a white, female, college student, my grandmother would describe herself as Jewish. She never out right said that I was Jewish as well, but I figured that if my grandmother was Jewish and my entire family was killed because they were also Jewish, I had to be Jewish too, right?

The extent of my Jewish childhood stopped there. I remember that my family would often go to Jewish delis to eat Jewish food and my dad would tell people that he came from "Jewish heritage." We would celebrate Chanukkah in the sense that my grandma would bring out the driedels to play with, not being able to tell me what the letters on each side meant, while she made her famous latkes and matzo ball soup. She told me the meaning behind Chanukah once but never mentioned God or tied it to anything religious.

As I grew up I took pride in telling my friends that I was Jewish. It may have been because there were no Jews where I grew up and it gave me an edge. If you knew me back then, you know I would have done just about anything to be the center of attention. I would refer to myself as Jewish but then be confused as to why none of my other family members ever mentioned it. They would just say that we are not religious (which was true) and change the subject.

I remember I asked my dad once why we didn't celebrate more Jewish holidays or go to synagogue. He said that after my great grandmother had to escape her country with five dollars in her pocket and watch her entire family get murdered, she didn't believe that their was a God out there. How could there be, with all the evil she had seen? As a seven year old I couldn't really argue with that, and I still can't.

So how did I end up the Vice President of the Jewish student organization at my university? As I got older and my grandmother became sicker, she would tell me that she regretted not raising her sons in a more Jewish household. She said that she was taught to keep who she was a secret for safety purposes but that wasn't an issue for me. I think she was able to see the excitement on my face every time she brought up Judaism and decided that I was the family's last hope. She asked me to learn as much as I could about the culture and try to continue on with the traditions as much as I could.

She died when I was eleven and I felt like I had been abandoned. I had just started to really comprehend what she wanted from me and the importance behind embracing our culture and now she was gone. From then on, I made it my mission to learn as much about Judaism as possible. I would spend hours reading books and watching documentaries on the history and customs of the Jewish people. I made my mother buy our family a Menorah and celebrate Chanukkah every year, but that's about it. Growing up with no Jews around me, I had no idea what I was doing and felt overwhelmed with all of the information I had yet to learn. Judaism was put on the back burner until I came to college.

At the organization fair my freshman year, I saw a table called Hillel and noticed that it was the Jewish student organization on campus. I sheepishly walked up to the booth where a cheery girl asked me if I was Jewish, I thought about it for a moment and replied ,"Kinda." I didn't want her to think I knew all there was to know about the religion but I also wanted her to know that I was somewhat a part of the tribe. She got excited and invited me to a Shabbat dinner they were having that Friday night. I smiled and gave her my information but the moment I turned around to leave I felt defeated. I had no idea what a Shabbat dinner was. What was I thinking going up there and saying that I was Jewish and expecting to be welcomed into their community? If I went to this dinner there would be all of these prayers and traditions I had no idea about and I would just make a fool out of myself.

I figured that was it, but a friend of mine I met in a class recognized my name from the email list and convinced me to go to an event. My first Hillel event was Rosh Hashanah dinner last year. I was so nervous that on the walk there I was Googling everything about Rosh Hashanah I could think of. I remember walking in and instantly regretting it. I had that same feeling of unworthiness I had when I walked up to the booth. Thankfully I sat down next to a girl who was so welcoming and helpful. She could tell that I was struggling with how to do some of the rituals and she took it upon herself to walk me through everything. She also invited me to go to Rosh Hashanah services with her that evening. I went and had no idea what was happening the entire time, but I went. And that was enough. That was a start.

After the service with my new friends while I had no idea what had just happened.

Fast forward a year later and not only are the people I went to services with that night some of my best friends, they are family. The love and support I was given from Hillel gave me the confidence I needed to really figure out who I was. I spent this past year learning as much as I could about Judaism and discovering a piece of myself that I always thought was missing.

I don't consider myself to be very religious, but I've realized that is okay. Judaism is so much more than a religion to me. It's an ethnicity, a culture, a family, and a way to feel connected to my late grandmother. This year has been the most life changing year for me and I am so thankful for all that has happened.

I find myself thinking about how far I have come and how much, I hope, my grandmother would be proud of me. New years is a time where people reflect and make resolutions. I want to take a moment to thank all of the people who have supported me on this journey that past year. I know some people don't necessarily understand why I'm doing this, but they still support me and that is all I can ask for.

Much like my grandmother, Judaism isn't a religion to me. It's who I am and it is a way I can feel closer to my ancestors.

Shanah Tovah, I hope you have a happy and sweet new year!

Tanya B

#roshhashanah #shanahtovah #jewish #judaism